{NOT FINAL}
If you’re a woke woman of the 21st century, then buckle up sweetie, we’re going for a ride. Mike Pence, our fearless Vice President, refuses to eat alone with other women. Which is basically him saying women can’t be trusted to dine alone with men they’re not married to.
Honestly, I don’t see why people are so upset about this. If rules like this keep women from having to spend time with creeps like Mike Pence, I consider it a big ol’ W for all the modern single ladies. And I’m not talking about the lil Bush. And if the honorable Donny’s second-in-command says women shouldn’t dine without their husbands, we should listen. Duh. Here’s a definitive list of other things women shouldn’t do without their respective ball and chain in tow. (These are especially difficult for yours truly because I’m single AF and my father lives 765 miles away.) Going to work or class Women are notorious for trying to, like, better themselves and outcompete men in every way. Since we obviously can’t let this happen, women should have to bring their men with them to school or work. It’s just right. As a result of following this rule, my grades are slipping, professors don’t have a clue who I am and help me, I’m poor. Oh well, all in a day’s work for the patriarchy. Getting dressed Say goodbye to your closet full of trendy off-the-shoulder tops and choker necklaces. Daddy doesn’t approve. Leggings with mesh cut-outs are the devil’s work. Trash them, obviously. It’s time to break out your grandma’s muumuu house dress and make sure your ankles are covered. Showing skin is unacceptable and won’t make America great again, so get on board and spread the good word. After all, we wouldn’t want to be giving the Mike, Donald and Brocks of the world the wrong idea, would we? Eating As Pence so astutely pointed out, women cannot and will not eat alone, especially not with married men. They also shouldn’t eat any phallic shaped foods because who knows what these temptress sirens are capable of if they get the wrong idea. Eating only with male family members and husbands (sorry lesbians, you’re out) will not only reinforce good Christian values, but help women realize their potential as complicit accessories to the big boys doing the real work. Now go gather something, because your boyfriend’s tummy is grumbling. Drinking Fucking yeah, right. If Pence can’t go to the parties and drink, I’ll will for both of us. He probably just can’t hold his liquor, boy bye. Triple vodka soda, please.
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When your teen goes off to college, it can be hard to stay as connected as you once were. Between a full class schedule, new social life and time-consuming extra-circulars, your teen is busier than ever and it’s easy to worry about how they’re keeping up with it all. One clever way to make sure they’re eating and taking care of themselves, while soliciting a call home is sending the perfect care package.
Karen VanDrisse, mother of two college students, found the perfect balance between sending great care packages and having fun with her own friends. Even better, her gift-giving techniques line up perfectly with a recent study by Elanor Williams, Indiana University professor. The study, a review of other gift-giving studies, found that gift receivers often prefer foods or experiences over tangible gifts. The study shows that while gift-givers put a lot of time and thought into the initial exchange of the gift, gift-receivers think more about the usefulness of a gift, even if it might seem boring. Gift-receivers, especially students, don’t have room to store bulky novelties once the charm wears off, so you’re better off sending them tickets to a concert or a gift-card to their favorite coffee shop. “Give consumables,” Williams says. “Give people things that are tasty to eat, or to do, and then they’re gone.” Since dorm rooms aren’t exactly known for their spaciousness and storage room, giving students edible gifts or gift cards is a win-win situation. As a parent, you can know your kid is eating, and your students will be thankful for the reminder of home. “I like to send microwave popcorn bags and gum,” VanDrisse says. Granola bars and candy also travel well and can be consumed in a dorm or on-the-go. But just because your kids are off to college doesn’t mean that you’re sitting around thinking of the perfect packages to send and waiting for a call home. Parents are just as busy and often don’t have time to spend picking out gifts. This is where VanDrisse’s genius comes into play. She gets together with friends who also have kids in college and makes a party out of creating care packages. Not only is it a fun way to get together with busy parents, it follows the guidelines established in Williams’ study and takes the work out of sending her students a surprise. VanDrisse advises to get some friends, and some wine, together and combine resources to craft gifts. “If I’m getting together with 15 parents, I’ll pick up 15 of the same gift,” VanDrisse says. “That way we have all kinds of ideas.” The parents then make piles of the gifts and pick and choose what they want to send their kids. The pieces collected include gift-cards, favorite treats and useful trinkets. For example, VanDrisse realized her son, a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin, didn’t have a flashlight in case of emergencies, so she picked up a few to send. “I’ll also send gift-cards,” VanDrisse says. “It’s nice to have in their pocket if they’re passing by a favorite fast-food restaurant or Starbucks.” Not all of the gifts have to be practical though, VanDrisse explains. She says the group always has a “naughty mom,” who brings fun gifts like miniature bottles of Fireball, a cinnamon whisky. Believe it or not, sending a silly accessory, when alongside a useful gift, follows Williams’ study to a tee. On the receiving side, students appreciate care packages of all shapes and sizes. Jon Falk, senior at Indiana University, loves to get candy and gift cards. “Food is very comforting and I’m a big candy guy,” Falk says. “But if you gave me the option of a gift card, I would be happier with that. I like to be in control of what I purchase.” Either way, students are thankful for care packages of any kind. “I don’t talk to my parents much when I’m at school,” Falk says. “But when they send me something I make sure to go out of my way to thank them.” When it comes down to it, sending a care package shows your student you care, and will likely prompt a call of gratitude. “Kids like to know you’re thinking of them,” VanDrisse says. “And they know better than to not say thank you.” I believe that every house can be a home.
Growing up, we spent a lot of time at my grandma’s house each summer. When I was six, I got dressed up in some high heels my aunt had left behind. I pranced around upstairs until I was ready to make my grand entrance on the main floor. Step by wobbly step, I made my way to the top of the staircase. I brought one big shoe up to step down the first stair. Before I knew it, I was tumbling down, clunky like a shoe in the dryer. My grand entrance was punctuated by my foot, high heel and all, stuck in a brand-new hole in the wall. Everyone was taken aback that I was a foot or two into my grandma’s drywall, but it didn’t stop them from laughing about how silly I was. Kelly always has to be the star of the show, now look where it got her. Now every time I go to my grandma’s, I pass the area of the wall where my hole used to be and laugh. It’s been long patched up and painted over, but I know. My physical mark may be gone, but the memory lives on forever. Her entire house is like that. Here’s where Sam, the prized white shepard, jumped up on the dinner table and ate the Easter ham. There’s the backyard where all the cousins would play croquet and squeal when a ball went through the fence. If you took away her house, those memories wouldn’t just disappear. They live on through us telling stories over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. They live on through our togetherness. When I was 10 years old, my family moved to Wisconsin. We were leaving Ohio, the only place I really knew, besides summers in New York. I left the only house I knew, the only friends I knew and the only life I knew, all for an unwanted unknown. When I got there, I realized that not much had changed. It was never the house in Ohio I needed, but the home my family created. My family taught me the comfort of a meal together and a lazy Sunday on the porch. If the love that lives inside the walls of a home is great, it doesn’t matter how big or small those walls are. I understand the value of neighbors who treat you like blood, even when their house isn’t really your home. There’s no better comfort than when they make you feel like it is. Since then, I’ve created homes in musty dorm rooms, tiny apartments, city flats and two-story townhomes. I’ve created homes with family, friends and even strangers. I’ve created homes in Wisconsin, Indiana, New Jersey, and even Ireland. Ten homes in 21 years. When I’m surrounded by people I love, there’s no place I wouldn’t call home. |
Kelly burkeAn emerging writer with an affinity for elegant outerwear and amber ales. Archives
April 2017
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